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Next years prodigious Montreux Jazz Festival will be headlined by, Stockton on Tees synchronized swimming team.

When Larrs Ulrich, drummer with metal gods Metallica, decided to climb K2 for charity, little did he know what he was letting himself in for. Larrs said “ touring all these years with Metallica has left me with some anxiety issues, to help me through I eat profiteroles until I calm down. A whole team of sherpers were hired just to carry two months supply of profiteroles for me”

All was going well, and Larrs only asked for his profiteroles on three occasions, the last time when he sneezed whilst traversing a deep crevasse and his bottom set of dentures fell into the chasm.

On reaching the final ascent, the supply of profiteroles froze and Larrs went into a panic and therefore, required profiteroles. “ I went crazy, and shouted, give me a role you knob ! I grabbed one and tried to bite into it, with no bottom set the top took the pressure and shattered”

Larrs lost control of his bowels and passed out, the ascent was cancelled and they eventually got back safely to base camp. For the descent Larrs was strapped onto a sledge for his own safety. “He shouted and screamed all the way down, but his delirium combined with no teeth made his cries unintelligible “

A now well recovered Larrs ends by saying “ James Hatfield had bought me a new set of dentures for Christmas so I brought them along, thank goodness “

Metallica’s new album The Clog Welder is in the final stages of production.

A museum is to open in Clacton On Sea containing 1000,s of stool samples from the world of entertainment. The curator Delmere Lenze says the exhibits are fascinating “ the shapes and textures vary so much, and with all the samples being dated you can see what the person was up to at the time of release. Also bacterial analysis has allowed us to recreate the odors of selected turds, one of my personal favorites is a surprisingly large sample provided by Prince during his Lovesexy tour, it smells of burnt lemon” Other exhibits include a couple of chug nuts courtesy of Max Bygraves and a skid mark from Charles Dance that looks like Jesus .

Theatre Company “ Lean Back “ has gone into administration. Artistic director Mike Roof gave us this statement. “ The rot started with our production Now Then Now Then, a family musical about Jimmy Saville. This was shelved for obvious reasons and we lost a great deal of money. We moved our focus onto, Can You Tell What It Is Yet, another musical, this time about Rolf Harris, again this had to be shelved and this sent us under. The administrators have placed a specially made 30ft fiberglass cigar into auction.

Jazz kick boxer Dale Dale Dale, is to play 5 shows at Ronnie Scotts in London’s Soho.

World-renowned Daniel Barenboim Classical Conductor and pianist took time out during the Early 80s to pursue a new direction as a house D.J. After only two years at the wheels of steel he returned to the classical world, he said, “ choosing the next record became too stressful, I know where I am with Beethoven “

Founding member of Jazz fusionists Weather Report Joe Zawinul, spent some time as musical director to Dorothy Squires. He left her to join Cannonball Aderly, in the mistaken belief he was a circus entertainer.

Jazz tuba genius Howard Johnston once played a note so low in pitch he lost control of his bowels and feinted. A witness commented, “ it was difficult to differentiate between the sound of the Tuba and Mr Johnston’s evacuation, and the smell was horrendous.

Few are aware that Ella Fitzgerald, the jazz songbird, used to run a skydiving school in Falkirk. She would sing on board the aircraft to calm the nerves, although it is claimed you could not hear her over the sound of the aircrafts engine. Duke Ellington brought his band along on a team building exercise and due to the horn sections extreme anxiety Ella decided to sing before take off, On hearing her wonderful vocal talents, Ellington, despite feeling nauseous himself, called Count Basie immediately saying “ I think we have found your singer , oh god I’m going to throw up” More history was born that same day, this time out of tragedy, when, the sousaphone players parachute failed to open and he landed on the piccolo players head , killing them both instantly. The two instruments where, from that tragic moment, lost from the Ellington sound. This greatly improved things giving his arrangements a less tense quality. Ella immediately closed the school and travelled to America to meet Basie. She never skydived again.

Count Basie acquired his name after he insisted on counting all the tunes in.

Sting was offered the part of Bergerac.

Jazz saxophonist John Coltrane worked as a children’s entertainer on The Isle Of Mans Cliff View Holiday village in the late 50s. He was sacked after insisting each note in “The Wheels On The Bus” had a different key center. This caused headaches and nausea amongst the children and was deemed a health risk.

Wayne Shorter first met Joe Zawinul when Wayne, who was at the time working as an engineer for Cool Cockpits, turned up to re-gas Joes Ford Scorpio.

Led Zeppelin owns a chain of haberdashery shops in Belgium.

Miles Davis’s famous trumpet sound was due to a peanut being stuck in the workings. This was only discovered after his death.

Following a successful scrotal tuck, jazz guitarist Joe Pass said his sack was tighter than the Oscar Peterson trio. Although Oscar refused to comment, his spokesperson told us “ Mr. Peterson wants nothing to do with Mr. Pass and his scrotum” Ironically it looks like Joe is heading for the sack.

An ambulance had to be called at the annual Scarborough cheese festival, when, king of funk James Brown and Hull plumber Steve Browne laughed so much at the fact that despite their names being spelt differently, they sounded the same. They both fell unconscious. Both recovered after a short spell in Hospital. Brown said this event inspired him to write Papas got a brand new bag, but he refused to explain the link.

The Everly Brothers tandem recently sold at Sotheby’s for £624.00. The buyer, who has requested anonymity reflected “ I remember them arriving at Blightys night club in Farnworth near Bolton, on this very tandem. They were so exhausted Phil lost control of his bowels and feinted. The smell was horrific.

Former King Crimson and Yes drummer Bill Bruford is rumored to have lost the ability to play in common or 4/4 time.“ this has rendered Bills function band High Tempo useless “ said his agent. During a recent Masonic function where High Tempo where booked to perform, four sprained ankles 3 broken legs and a badly bruised ear occurred during High Tempos Village People Medley.

It has been confirmed that Ornette Coleman; maiden name Ornette Curtains, once had a brief affair with British actor Lance Percival. Ornette went onto marry BBC sports commentator and avant-garde jazz flautist David Coleman.

Inflatable faced jazz trumpet legend admitted to being repulsed by cold custard Dizzy stated “ just the thought of it makes me wretch, if it comes to mind while I am playing , I go to shit.”

Star of stage and screen Terence Stamp refused to comment on his inability to shout the word cake without losing conciseness. Mr. Stamp is resting from his latest roll in the west end hit, Hot Food. His part requires him to shout cake some 18 times. It is unlikely he will be able to return to the part without a major re-write, Mr. Stamps understudy Stephen Loom has been playing the roll for the last week, to rave reviews, although theatre critic Helen Klench said “ there appeared to be no issues with his cakes but he did stumble on the word loaf on a number of occasions”

At a charity function last week, Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber bid £10,000 for a day of golf, a shocked Weber claimed he had not been paying attention and was egged on by fellow guests. The prize compromises a full days golfing including lunch at the Glen Gloom course in the Trossacks, regular price for this would be £125. A spokesman for Mr.Weber said “ Sir Andrew has reached the end of his tether , just that week he had attended 3 charity dinners and bid a total £34,450 for a day at Legoland, a leg of pork and a gym membership. He would like to say he will continue to support charity but will have to take more care in future as he is not a bottomless pit. His new work, “ Heath” a musical drama about the Life of Ted Heath is in rehearsal, the lead role will be played by Tamsin Outhwaite.

Legendary prog rock keyboard maestro Keith Emerson used to wrestle and stab a Hammond L100 organ as part of the stage shows with The Nice and E.L.P. He told us “ it isn’t as easy as it looks and I used to practice at home for hours on end. I would lie down with the Hammond on top of me and play the keyboard backwards. Whilst rehearsing this move at home I collided with a large speaker which fell on top of the organ pinning me to the floor. “ Despite Keiths cries for help , no one was around and he was trapped for four days. Carl Palmer found him when he called round for a game of Subbuteo. Carl says “ the smell was hideous, I slipped on his piss and kicked him in the head” After a hot bath and a good meal Emerson soon recovered. Greg lake commented “ after all that trouble Keith went to, that section always sounded shit “

Patrick Moraz says his short time with progressive rock band Yes was blighted by the size of his hair” it became an issue and bassist Chris Squire said it caused imbalance on stage” Patrick ( Busby) Moraz told us. “ I said his thigh length boots looked ridiculous and he went ape shit calling me mouse head, and I left the band” Steve Howe was asked to comment but told us he had not heard of Patrick.

U2s delay obsessed guitarist The Edge , says he is offended when English northerners call him “t thedge” Mr Edge said “ its inaccurate, disrespectful and in my opinion racist. Bono had to talk him round after The Edge stated he would not play further north than Keele services. Bono pointed out someone on their last tour had called him a “ jangling twat” and that was in Brighton.

Genesis almost replaced Peter Gabriel with Des Lynham . Des a long time Genesis fan was approached after Tony Banks heard Des singing Harold The Barrel in a toilet cubical at the Dorchester Hotel.

Leather faced ex.con and celebrity antiques dealer David Dickenson’s acapella vocal group The Dickdealers have had to cancel a proposed U.K. tour. Dickenson denied it was due to a lack of interest. It is in fact a legal matter that has arisen, causing rehearsals to be halted. The Dickdealers specialize in a rare form of Jutland throat singing. During rehearsals at Dickensons country retreat, local farmer Brinsley West claimed a number of his cows had dropped dead, “ these deaths coincided with The D.Ds practice sessions. He leaves the doors open, I thought at first the cows had gone into some sort of phantom labor, but it was the sound of Dickensons group”. After taking legal advice, an injuction was served to stop further practice sessions and Mr West was referred to Cattle Psychic, Rainer Mulsh. Mulsh told us “ I sense the cows thought they where hearing the cries of dead relatives and died of fright.” A spokesman for The D.Ds said they where disappointed and could not now find a rehearsal studio that would let them in. Bass baritone Fionna Bruce and alto Miriam Stoppard have returned to their static caravan in Shropshire.

Queen guitar legend Brian May is set to make a guest appearance at the world clog wearers convention Antwerp. He is said to be honored and will be bringing along a selection of his favorite clogs. One white pair , said to be worth a small fortune, he wore on several world tours, and iconic videos. Brian said “ Freddie didn’t like them much, we where about to perform at Milton Keynes Bowl and Fred said “ If I see those F****** pieces of shit c**t slippers on your feet again, I will stick this mike stand up your shitbox, you badger supporting twanging twat” Roger Taylor preferred to wear moccasins.

The abilty to separate his skin from the rest of his face structure took many hours of dedicated stretching procedures, explained bebop jazz trumpet wizard Dizzy Gillespie’s former personal assistant.

Meat loaf has been in a dispute with the meat loaf over his name for the last 40 years, A spokesman said “ Meat keeps quite about it, but it causes him to worry “The legal team representing the meat loaf said its gone on too long, but we have no intention of allowing the name to be changed. Meat Loafs new album The Hidden Egg is due for release.

Nautical singer Simon Le Bon of Duran Duran fame has claimed to have discovered Noahs Ark near Frankley services in the Midlands. Simon was checking his tyre pressures on his Nissan Warrior when he slipped and the air nozzle blew his hairpiece into a field adjacent to the services. When Le Bon went to retrieve his wig he discovered it had fallen into a hole, despite his best efforts he had to call in a local drainage company to dig out the surrounding earth. They eventually revealed a large wooden structure along with some animal bones. Le Bon said “ I’ve called Tony Robinson and he recons it might be the ark , wow ! Le Bons hairpiece is still missing.

Mick Jagger balloons up to 23 stones in weight between tours with The Rolling Stones. A dietary expert told us “ this is a very risky strategy, it can have serious effects on your cardiovascular system as well as the digestive workings along with possible kidney and liver issues “ Jagger, who was busy eating was not available for comment, but a spokesman said “ Mr. Jagger understands the dangers, but has been using this method since the 60s. It is rumored Mick reached 19stones whilst recording Exile on Main Street.

Colonel Tom Parker claims the reason Elvis never played any shows in Europe was due to Presley’s unreasonable demands. The main stumbling block came when Elvis insisted on travelling by Hot Air Balloon. An attempted transatlantic crossing had to be aborted shortly after take off from Graceland’s in Memphis, when Presley “ freaked out big style “ when he realized he had left a family bag of Murray mints in the kitchen. They had to descend and travel back on a farm truck to Graceland. Unfortunately Elvis had forgotten he had put the mints in his hand luggage.

When he is not hitting balls off the tees Golfer Colin Montgomery goes out as MON-T, his Hip Hop alter ego. He says Hip Hop is his first love and cant wait to “ don my track suit, get blinged up and hang with my homeys” His biggest track to date is the expletive filled “ It doesn’t matter which bunker your in” it is a commentary on war and golf. Banned from most mainstream radio I.D.M.W.B.Y.I. contains the line

“ I cant see over the top N***a

This shits got to stop….

Nick Faldow said he felt it was inappropriate and no one in the golfing community liked it.

The super group Wakeman Wakerman and Ackerman have split up after trying complete an album for 10 years. Busy schedules and musical differences are cited. The album, working title “ Three Men” has been shelved. The band found themselves in litigation after a number of Music media companies reported a rise in their medical bills after staff developed speech problems after saying the bands name, no one from Wakeman Wakerman and Ackerman was able to comment.

Yes tribute band, No, are to perform the Close To The Edge album at double tempo on their next tour. The idea came about when a vinyl copy was played at the wrong speed at a recent meeting. No are renown for their unusual treatment of the Yes catalogue, Don Andlesson, lead singer and driving force behind No, says they enjoy the challenge , and although audiences have not seemed to like their approach and a series of terrible reviews have left them with no work, Don aims to carry on, his next project is to recreate Tales From A Topographic Ocean as one massive burst of noise. We asked for a comment from Yes, they said no. No replied “ cool “

Spandau Ballet insult band “ What A Load Of Shit “ set out on tour next week. Their set includes all the Spandau favorites done in the inimitable W.A.L.O.S. style, songs like Gold (Shit) True (Shitter) and To Cut A Long Story Short I lost My Mind. (Shit bollocks) Guitarist Martin Camp says they have no support from the Spandau’s “ we have contacted them on several occasions, with no response.

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